When all you have as fandom is to rejoice in your rival’s foibles, it usually indicates you have nothing of your own. The real deed is a concession of defeat, a position of weakness. You’ve been beaten, humiliated, and relegated to the bench, and all you can do now is wait for the team(s) you despise to join you so you can pretend it’s all the same. Teams and spectators that know actual winners are usually unconcerned about such improbable goals.
And I don’t give a damn.
Last night, Aaron Rodgers coughed out the world’s largest frozen hairball, and I’ll be feasting on the Packers for weeks. After the game, I went to the pub and saw three Packers supporters sitting silently in a row. I merely stood near them, snorting the air around them. Colombia would never be able to provide such a high. There’s a reason the German word «schadenfreude» exists.
Because they already know it’s over. Rodgers has played every card, used every I’m-the-smartest-guy-in-the-room-because-I-say-so angle, used every avenue to complain, and then come up short against Jimmy Fucking Garoppolo and his 57.1 rating on the night and his «PLEASE INTERCEPT THIS WOUNDED DUCK» throws, proving that the unvaxxed, Lao Tstupid fuckstick has no clothes.
He won’t be able to insult his coach, polish his image, or deflect blame on a national game show. Wisconsin fans will not be forgiven, at least not for seven minutes, as opposed to five minutes last summer. Perhaps the Packers themselves won’t feel like wheel posing for months to accommodate Rodgers’ next stroke of brilliance.
Maybe they just want to forget about it all, like Brett Favre’s incessant drama queen play over whether or not he would retire. When a player reaches the age of 40 and has specialized in January pratfalls, patience for his or her own nonsense runs out in sports.
That’s something else the Packers have to deal with. I find myself circling back to Bill Simmons, which causes me to create a gurgling/belching noise combo. However, when he was correct, he was correct. It all started during the 2008 NFC Championship game when Packers fans couldn’t wait to tell us how the sub-zero temperatures were perfect for Brett Favre. At the age of 38, it was Simmons who brought up the experience of being 38 and waking up on a day when the temperature is «get fucked.»
They did the same thing the night before. «Oh, this was built specifically for us.» Aaron is the best at playing in the cold!» He, too, is 38 years old. Remember when Rodgers slithered out of the pocket to his right, the play seemed to stretch 37 minutes, and then all of a sudden he hits this receiver 25 yards downfield who you thought came in from the sidelines?
That’s what he kept trying. Except he couldn’t always get outside. When he did, he was apprehended from behind. Maybe those joints don’t operate as well in January as they do in December? Just an idea.
Rodgers will find someone or someone else to blame, so don’t worry. There are special teams, a coach, and a general manager. In the postgame presser last night, he was already getting started on the latter. Already insisting that the team be adapted to his particular requirements, which they were this year (bringing back Randall Cobb who had as many catches as you did last night).
About eight seconds after saying it wouldn’t be fair to handle anything like that at that time, he declared he didn’t want to be a part of any rebuild. It doesn’t matter if it isn’t fair to anyone because it was fair to Rodgers, and that’s all that matters.
It’s fantastic. Rodgers couldn’t stop talking after the Packers gave in to him after he held them hostage last summer simply because he felt like it and thought he could get away with anything. I couldn’t stop myself from disclosing what was truly important to him. I couldn’t believe he wasn’t revered for whatever he did or said after bending the entire city to his will.
Couldn’t believe people felt it mattered that he lied to his followers and team, endangering everyone around him, simply because his fellow airheaded dopes couldn’t wait to nod their heads in agreement. Take a look at this guy’s circle of friends: Last night’s attendance included Alex Rodriguez, Joe Rogan as his personal idiot shaman, and Ellen DeGeneres.
Every time there is even the slightest protest about their brain-dead offerings, they are completely perplexed. It smacked him in the face like it always does. This time, though, it was against a defenseless opponent.
Soon enough, he’ll fuck off to Denver. Packers fans will tell themselves they’re better off if the Packers start over. It will undoubtedly be quieter, which is something Scots value above everything else. But they’ll largely be wondering how in the world they only won one Super Bowl with Rodgers.
No one could tell you it wasn’t his fault faster than he could. It was always someone else’s responsibility. But… what has been the common thread over the last ten years? Coaches are replaced. The cast of characters shifts. Losses in the most crucial moments do not.