The decide has dominated: Michael Rotondo has every week to depart his dad and mom’ upstate Onondaga County residence. Come midday June 1, Rotondo is a free agent.
So, ABC, you’re on the clock.
You’ve roughly one week to arrange the “Bachelor” property — a not-so-modest 7,500-square-foot mansion in Agoura Hills, Calif. — for the long-haired, bearded Rotondo.
That’s, in case you’re prepared to simply accept the sort of rankings that might make Donald Trump choke on his KFC three-piece.
Let me put it in plain language: If you happen to don’t make this man your latest Bachelor, you’re lacking an enormous alternative.
The unemployed 30-year-old captured America’s coronary heart this week after his personal dad and mom sued to evict him from their residence. For eight lengthy years, he’s been dwelling there rent-free, refusing to heed 5 earlier eviction notices. He even turned down their $1,100 incentive to fly the nest.
Now that’s conviction.
Certain, he’s an unorthodox candidate for “The Bachelor,” whose conveyor-belt contestants all seem like they performed school soccer, dabbled in steroids and modeled underwear for the Kmart round within the offseason. All of them have excellent hair, completely white enamel and funky jobs.
However this father of 1 doesn’t verify any of these bins.
Reasonably, Rotondo — who sued Greatest Purchase after they terminated him as a result of he wouldn’t work on Saturdays — is an intoxicating mixture of George Costanza and Ignatius J. Reilly.
He’s indignant, freeloading, shameless — a actuality TV producer’s dream.
And, as an added bonus, he doesn’t appear to have every other commitments for the time being.
What a breath of recent air!
Bachelor Nation may put me on a terrorist watch listing for this proposal. However hear me out: This complete charade has change into as formulaic because the algebra I by no means handed.
We meet the stud and his lovely dimples. Then enters a parade of feminine hopefuls in final 12 months’s promenade attire speaking about their desires as they freebase chardonnay. The Kmart underwear mannequin makes out with a couple of of them after which makes them cry when he deports them from his actuality TV fiefdom.
After narrowing the group down to a couple fortunate women, he visits the heartland properties of mentioned hopefuls, the place he’ll trick the dad and mom into pondering he’s concerned with their daughter as a substitute of locking in a spot on subsequent season’s “Dancing With the Stars.” The stud then takes two women to an unique location and makes a industrial for his or her vacationer board whereas pretending to deliberate about who will get the ultimate rose: Will he select the blonde with the proper boobs, or the brunette with the proper boobs?
If you happen to’ve seen one, you’ve seen all of them.
If I wish to watch reruns, “Seinfeld” airs each evening at 11.
Final season, the race-car-driver man Arie Luyendyk needed to do a nationally televised Mexican hat dance on that poor woman’s coronary heart to maintain issues spicy.
The “Bachelor” of us have to shake it up — and Rotondo has already managed to captivate America.
Half prospect, half mission, he’s the human embodiment of failure to launch.
I may very well be flawed, however I don’t suppose my dream Bachelor could be in it for the celebrity. He’d be in it to discover a good woman who has good dad and mom, who’ve a very nice home the place he can reside for the following eight years.
He has nothing however his coronary heart — and a broken-down Volkswagen Passat — to supply the women, however that’s how we’ll comprehend it’s actually love.
Producers in all probability sacrifice reside chickens hoping for jaw-dropping twists like final 12 months’s finale.
So think about the sort of high-voltage shock they’ll get when Rotondo arms out the ultimate rose and slips the Neil Lane ring on his girl’s delicate finger.
As he and his future Mrs. are attributable to stroll off into the sundown, Rotondo merely refuses to depart the sprawling compound. No sir, he ain’t going anyplace. He’s going to disregard at the very least 5 eviction letters from the proprietor of the mansion. Then the drama actually begins.
Spinoff metropolis, sweetheart.